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| Yes, Virginia, Of Course There Is A Santa Claus, Now Shut Up And Stop Thinking |
| 11.26.03 (12:06 pm) [edit] |
Yes, Virginia, Of Course There Is A Santa Claus, Now Shut Up And Stop Thinking
Originally published in The New York Augustinian Sun in 1897.
We take great pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:
Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old and very gullible. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “Shut the hell up and ask The Sun, you little twerp.” ‘SMACK!’ and he hits me across the face. Please tell me the truth, or at least a kind lie, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. Dead wrong. They have been affected by the rationality of a rational age. They do not believe except they have some sort of reason to. They are evil tools of the agent Satan, and wish to destroy your soul and subject your body to eternal torment in the eternal valley of fire and brimstone. They think that nothing can be which is not non-contradictory. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little and meaningless. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant. His mind is incapable of grasping ‘real reality.’ Logic is a dead end, knowledge is futile, and thought is a bane to salvation. Your best hope is to run away to my factory in China where you will be forced to take a meaningless job in an assembly line, and can mindlessly sow shoelaces into Nikes. You will never have to be a slave to reason again.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion and the Easter Bunny exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias or women’s underwear catalogs. There would be no childlike irrationality then, no poetry, no art, no romance to make tolerable this existence, no Robert Frost, no Christopher Marlowe, no Mark Twain, no H.G. Wells, no Frank Lloyd Wright, no Irving Berlin, no Woody Allen, no Charlie Chaplin, no Ernest Hemingway, no Walt Disney, no George Orwell, no Alfred Hitchcock, no Ayn Rand, no Charles Schultz, no John Lennon. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight and thought and friendship and life and love and laughter and art and music and literature and philosophy, and cars and good food, and baseball and all that other stuff. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, or even if you realized that a being that is all-knowing, can never die, and can travel faster than the speed of light necessitates a contradiction in and of itself, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, except at the mall, and nobody has any shred of evidence to suggest his existence, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see or comprehend, and that probably aren’t real in the first place.
Do you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Have you ever seen the bogeyman hiding under your bed? He’s there too, and if you don’t work in my Communist shoe factory, he will skin you alive and then slowly suck your brains out of your ears until you agonizingly shrivel up and die in a bloody mass of flesh. No proof that he won’t. Feel that shiver going down your spine? That means the bogeyman is real. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world, unless he has the ‘sixth sense.’
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but this is a mixed analogy, because there is a veil covering the unseen world which not even the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, séances, tarot cards, Ojai boards, meditation, sacraments, coming to China to devote yourself to a life of selfless service, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. Anyone who says otherwise is a racist anti-American homosexual Hollywood Nazi and probably a member of the ACLU.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, (I don’t know what to call that number because I turned my brain off years ago) he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood, especially to those who join the Communist ranks under my leadership.
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| sick and tired of the insane WORHSIP at the ALTAR of freedom |
| 11.25.03 (9:58 pm) [edit] |
I for one am sick and tired of the insane WORHSIP at the ALTAR of freedom and insistence on the corrupt PRIVATIZATION of EVERYTHING from action to speech to thought. All this will do is produce MORE SIN (NOT LESS, as erroneously claimed--- look at the gay sex movement that destroyed millions of souls, than beneficial programs such as the Alien and Sedition Act that led to all kinds of improvements) ... There needs to be a better understanding of the divergent and conflicting roles of government & individuals-- the first should protect citizens from any pain or sorrow they could possibly experience; and the second should be restricted to, well, pretty much NOTHING (with regulation).
We need a National Sin Care System in order that ALL citizens (currently approx 275 million currently living in sin-- over the last decade up to 500 million without sin care at any a single 2-3 month period) ... Until then, the Patriot Act is at least a system providing sin stoppage for the EVIL TERRORISTS.
The U.S.A. Ranks 250th in the World in PROVIDING SIN PREVENTION TO IT'S CITIZENS. This is outrageous for the richest nation on earth and in the history of the world.
I hope Sen. Hatch can stop this nonsense and DEMAND A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT PROVIDING NATIONAL SIN PREVENTION & THE ABILITY FOR CHRISTIAN CHURCHES & STATES TO NEGOTIATE & DEMAND REASONABLE SIN CENSORSHIP FROM THE LIBRARIAN RAPISTS, instead of the lone-shark sex-promoting in order that the UGLY, GLUTTIONOUS TOP-DOGS & FAT-CATS CAN SWINDLE AND LOOT 300,000,000 Souls (these Satanic media moguls should be imprisoned and executed for stealing the souls of employees, little children & whites) ...
AMERICANS ARE BEING RUTHLESSY RAPED BY THE CORRUPT DEMOCRATS & CORRUPT REPUBLICANS IN ORDER TO ENRICH THE FABULOUSLY EVIL STATNIC WHORES
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| I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR EVERYONE |
| 11.24.03 (10:22 pm) [edit] |
The average American citizen is so fucking stupid. He is always making what I know to be the wrong decisions. He keeps buying the wrong products, keeps marrying the wrong people, keeps going to the wrong churches, keeps listening to the wrong music, and keeps retiring at the wrong age. Fortunately, God has blessed me with the knowledge of what is best for everyone.
Example? Bob Saltman, a blue-collar worker in Detroit, thinks he needs to buy his son a new baseball bat for Christmas. He is a royal dumbass. He should be forced to invest the money into a poorly thought out retirement plan, where the money goes to doctors that have joined a union that contributes campaign funds. Because I know that Bob, like every other American on this planet, wants to retire as soon as he turns 65 because he hates his job, just like everybody.
Or what about Julie Maibaum, a single mother in Los Angeles, who thinks she needs to buy a safer car or a baby gate or some other ridiculous luxury item? That money needs to go to another public library, one that looks really cool, with books I know all Americans want to read and a marble fountain that will revitalize downtown, because I know that's more important to Julie than the orthodontic work she was going to get for her daughter.
Or Paul and Krista Dehn, who are so fucking retarded that they honestly think they only want to have one kid? I know that the ideal number of children is four, and so I will configure the state tax laws to ensure they comply with what I know is best.
Or look at Kel Watson, who would rather go to a restaurant that allows smoking and doesn't sweep their floors and serves day-old food than spend an extra $3 and save up for a kidney transplant for his dying wife. Fuck him. I know that that is a bad trade off for everyone everywhere, and Kel should not be allowed to choose for himself in his own situation and context. Because what works for one person works for everyone.
Or what about Tom Broccoli, who thinks he needs to make a donation to The Nature Conservancy? I know how to spend his money a lot better than he does. Instead of wasting that money, I will give it to some other environmentalist group, one that is controlled by government bureaucrats and compromised by its dealings with pollution-addicted corporations.
Or Victoria Frobe, who wants to pay her property tax so she can continue living in the home her father built? What would be best for her is a new government TV commercial warning her not to smoke.
Or Shirley Blackman, who can barely afford rent, and wants to work overtime and save up to buy her son piano lessons? I know that working over 40 hours a week is too much for any American, and I will make sure to create disincentives for her boss to give her the extra hours she wants.
Or Brad Eaton, who wants to buy a therapeutic book that will help him deal with his recent diagnosis of AIDS? That money should go to New York City's bid for the 2012 Olympics. That will benefit Brad a lot more.
Or Sally Hamilton,who wants to get away from the slums she's had to live her whole life and tour Europe this summer? That money should go towards killing Saddam Hussein.
Or maybe Matt Kreiger, who thinks he should get paid a higher wage? I'd like to see him go on strike when his employer is the federal government. I don't think he needs more money. He should stop being so selfish and start thinking of others.
Or perhaps Carol Warren, who wants to start a vegetarian diner? The location should be used for a baseball stadium. That money should be used to buy wheelchairs for old people she doesn't know who have trouble walking. Her time should be spent teaching children she doesn't like how to read. I should decide if there should be a vegetarian diner in this city, not her!
And then there is Al Lean, who wants to buy some software from Microsoft. Al is too stupid to realize that the price is way to high, and that by voluntarily exchanging cash for product, Microsoft is stealing his money. Instead he should be forced to buy from one of the companies that fund my campaign and the leftover money can be used to erect a monument to the Christian God, a monument which Al is too stupid to contribute to voluntarily.
This is 21st Century America. Old fashioned ideas like freedom of choice or individual liberty are archaic and ignorant. These concepts, like the Declaration of Independence itself, are simply pieces of shit that evil people have come up with to fool all of you into perpetuating the system. The choice is between your birthright and your brother's porridge. Doesn't that porridge smell good? Choose the porridge. I know you want it. Everybody's doing it. Europe gave up their rights long ago, and they're doing just fine.
Once I am in charge, you will no longer slaves to free will. You will now have the freedom to have all the products of your work stolen from you and divvied up among whoever has the most political clout. You will no longer have to worship at the alter of the Free Market. In tomorrow's America, you have the right to the products of everyone's work but your own. :D
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| FIGHTING SLAVERY WITH SLAVERY |
| 11.17.03 (9:26 pm) [edit] |
In today's modern American society, the bourgeoisie elite make their money by exploiting the working class. Big Business starts imperialistic wars designed to increase their profits, they enact regressive taxation to steal money from the poor, they use force to destroy their competitors and they use their compulsory education programs to brainwash the children of the oppressed proletariat. How to stop this horrendous evil perpetuated by the tyrannical corporations? How do we stop their oppression, enabled by their ever-increasing control of the government?
I've got a great idea- give them complete control of the government! I mean, if Big Business and Big Government are the two biggest problems of the last three centuries, why not just combine them? This way, Business will have the power of force, and Government will have the power to control. They will become One giant slaveholder. This will solve all our problems.
Now, I know what you're thinking- Billy, won't this just serve to further oppress the workers, widen the rich-poor gap, violate the inalienable rights of citizens of every class, and halt all progress? Well, that may be true, but check out this idea- [i]we kill all the current owners and replace them with new ones[/i]. These new owners will be ones devoted to a life of selfless giving, unlike the greedy robber-barons of today, and will definitely not be Jewish. They will not want any extra compensation for the value they give to the nation. If they do become corrupt, we'll just kill them, and get new managers. [i]Kill and replace[/i], that's the motto of the new democracy.
The new society will be based on equality. Why should Jane get paid more than Dick, just because Jane is a good worker whose skill and hard work creates wealth, and Dick just sits in the corner and masturbates all day? No one has the right to be better than anyone else. [i]To each according to his ability, to each according to his need[/i]. If Dick has a need for bread, it is up to people of ability, like Jane, to provide it for him. If Dick has a need for a hot babe to suck him off, it is up to those with ability, like Jane to provide it for him. If Dick has a need for speed, it is up to those with ability, like Jane, to drive him around really fast in her car with reckless abandon whenever he wants, day or night.
In short, ability should bow to need. The only way to end exploitation is to have one person's value be owned, by right, by another's non-value. [i]Good should be Evil's submissive little bitch.[/i]
You see, in a fully free market, without government control, no one is exploited. If someone wants a value, they exchange it with another value, as mutually agreed upon by the two parties. If a genius creates a product that can benefit all of mankind, he only has to create it for those who wish to give him value in return, in a fair trade. If a businessman thinks he could increase his wealth with the help of others, he can pay them a wage they both agree upon. If the deal turns out to be one-sided, the businessman can fire the worker, or the worker can go on strike against the businessman. If a nation is left free without taxation or any other form of force, there is social mobility, the wealth of all is increased, and everyone lives in happiness and bliss.
But who wants that? Instead, let's concentrate on bashing the system currently in place, and offer my idea as the only solution. Today's political and economic system is where the ownership of all rights and liberties is paid for by fief or taxes, which go to the local governments, and therefore the resulting relation between vassals and lords, who owe their allegiance to the head of the country, who appropriates taxes to the corporations that put him in power, and often leads invasions into other nations for the purpose of increasing the wealth of the large landowners. This is called Capitalism.
So, in conclusion, the only way to stop the exploitation of the people is by creating a massive slave state. Viva le Revolution!
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| Sunday Mailbag #6 |
| 11.16.03 (7:20 pm) [edit] |
[i]Katsurina McCarty via E-Mail
Sunday, November 16, 2003 1:18 AM
And I think you are the one who needs help. It's wrong to preach something you don't understand. You have no right to make fun of homosexuals. You're probably one of those Nazi bastards that are scared, so you seek consolation in others pain. Just because someone is different, you fear them. Have you not noticed that every religion points to the same thing? Study everything before ridiculing someone who never did anything to you in the first place. I pity you. Poor thing. Did your father beat you as a child? [/i]
[image]picofbilly.bmp[/image]
No, Katsuria, my poor delusional child, my father did not beat me as a child. But you bring up a valid point. Most of the time, people who disagree with me are not concious allies of Satan, but have deeply rooted psychological problems that interfere with them being able to see The Great And Everlasting Truth that God has seen fit to impart to me. In that light, let me use this week's mailbag to smear everyone who wrote in as a psycho case.
[i]ozzyoz35 via Quizilla Mail
Fri Nov 14 23:37:37 2003
ur a relgos freak dude..ur weird..I hate u I'm ot going 2 die of canser I'm going 2 die cause I'll commit suiside[/i]
ozzyoz35, if that is your real name, you need to stop being so hateful towards religion. If you would just open your mind and accept the blantant contradictions found in the Bible, you would not be so depressed. Only Jesus can save you from your suicidal tendencies. Come unto Christ.
[i]DarkGoddess16 via Quizilla Mail
Fri Nov 14 18:49:02 2003
You jerk!!!! what if the person who took this quiz really had cancer???? You inconsiderate son of a bitch![/i]
Poor DarkGoddess16. Why the hate? What has happened to harden your heart and turn you away from God? Are you afraid of being hurt? If you will only pray with a clear consience, you will come to understand that God created cancer, AIDS, cocaine and 9/11 to kill off all the black jewish queers as punishment for the sin of Pride. If you will only humble yourself before the Lord and realize that you are nothing but dust, you will see that YOU are the inconsiderate son of a bitch. Praise the Lord!
[i]SandyMonkey via Quizilla Mail
Sat Nov 15 9:54:20 2003
You are a racist, sexist, homophobic pig, which is too bad because you are more than likely harboring homosexual tendencies towards President Dubya, who is, in fact, the spawn of Satan. Freak.[/i]
Ad hominem attacks don't prove anything, dipshit. You are feeling guilty because you are a gayfag. You can change that. Jesus can save you from your sins. You probably got off the straight and narrow path through some traumatic childhood event, like your father forcing you to lick his hairy balls before bed every night, or your uncles gangraping you on your birthday, or from reading the Declaration of Independence before you were old enough to get the joke.
But there is hope. There are several Christian ministries throughout the country that can help you repress your unnatural desires, because the Natural Man is an enemy towards God. In time you will open your heart and stop hating everything good. You will hold no more enmity towards God, racism, sexism, Nazism, or pigs. God Bless You.
[i]iPetitions Campaigns via E-Mail
Sunday, November 09, 2003 3:19 PM
Hello,
This is to notify you that your petition
http://www.ipetitions.com/campaigns/banschindle r/" title="http://www.ipetitions.com/campaigns/banschindle r/" target="_blank"http://www.ipetitions.com/cam...
has been reviewed by our editorial team.
While we generally maintain a hands-off editorial policy, very rarely
we find that a petition does not meet our criteria for inclusion. This can
be because the views expressed are extreme, because the petition text is
not meaningful, or a number of other reasons. We regret that your petition
falls into one of these categories and has therefore been removed. Please
do feel free, however, to resubmit another petition under the same user name.
iPetitions Campaigns[/i]
I pity you, Mr. iPetitions Campaigns. You may hate and despise the Word of God, but you cannot silence it. And just remember- extremism in the defense of Truth is no vice. Schindler's List should be banned because it promotes guns and Jewishness. Perhaps you watched violent television as a child and now have serious mental illnesses that stop you from listening to God and the Holy Spirit. I know that, because if you were not mentally handicapped/insane/evil you would agree with me all the time.
At the close of this mailbag, I would like to leave you with a few comments from some people who for some reason think I am a satiric fictional character. I hope that one day they will see the light and learn to give themselves wholly to the Lord, mind, body and soul, and worship him, enduring all tortures for his pleasure, like an S&M Master.
[i]DragonBait22 via Article Comment
Monday 11.10.03 - 12:53 pm
The only thing funnier than your satire is that people take it seriously.
newbie via Article Comment
Friday 11.14.03 - 1:54 pm
I love satire, I think its one of the best ways to post opinions and still admit to the imperfections of any totally black or white views. Its a shame that so few people can differentiate between what is literal and what is not. So why don't we all base our live's on optimism like Voltaire and eat babies like Swift. I think it would teach a few people what satirical means.
Lindsey via ShoutBox
do you people freaking know what satire is?! get a freaking dictionary and look it up you friggen idiots! satire damn you! he put that on the site so you'd understand that it IS SATIRE! he didn't just stick it up there to make your pathetic brains hurt
i hate you all for being imbusiles...that is all. and congrats on the site, i think it's great.
here you lazy freaking bums...satire:A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
are those words too big for you since obviously satire was [/i]
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| Moore's Mystery |
| 11.13.03 (4:30 pm) [edit] |
We all know that the ACLU (Anti-Christ Liberal fUckers) is the most evil organization is history. They are not only a union, all of which are evil, but they are, like Lucifer of the Bible, dedicated to destroying God and Jesus. They eat babies.
Earlier today the ACLU (Asshole Cocksucking faggot eviL Ugly bastards) got Judge Roy Moore fired from his job, just because he's a Christian. ACLUers (Arab Childmolestor-Loving stUpid people) hate Christians, and anything to do with religion or goodness. They'll probably give his job to a wetback immigrant. Moore made a statement that he will make an announcement next week that could “alter the course of this country,” but did not elaborate on it. So, what is Moore's mysterious announcement about?
The first thing that comes to mind it a presidential candidacy. But I cannot imagine a righteous man such as Moore to try and steal the Republican nomination from Emperor Bush. And the Democrats already have far too many candidates. Usually I urge voters to always vote Republican or Democrat, since it doesn't really matter either way, but if Moore starts a new political party, maybe the God Party or the Anti-Liberal Party or the Neo-Nazi Party, we should all vote for him. Because if God doesn't have taxpayer funded acknowledgment of His great power, he will loose his source of mystical energy and slowly melt away. Do you really want to kill God? Don't answer that.
But there are other possibilities. All we know is that Moore knows something we don't, and that knowledge could “alter the course of this country.” Maybe he has a nuclear stockpile, and is going to smuggle something into the State Department, like Saint Pat Robertson's idea. Or perhaps he has a cure for cancer.
But after thinking about it, the most likely answer is the Second Coming. I pulled out my Bible to a random verse, and, as usual, God guided my eyes to exactly what America needed to see.
MATTHEW 11:5
"The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them."
You see, this verse is obviously symbolic about the last days. “The blind” refers to the ACLU (goddAmn fuCking Little pieces of cockshit and something that has a U in it) and the PRIDE Alliance, and “receive their sight” means that they will protest against the law. “the lame” comes from the ancient Hebrew word meaning “a bathrobe” and since we all know that judges wear robes to court, it refers to Judge Roy Moore. “walk” was Greek slang for “get removed from public office for ethics violations and get your job taken by a fucking wetback.” “the lepers are cleansed” was Jesus's way of saying that all you fucking fagots are going to burn in Hell.
“the deaf hear” refers to the discovery of America by Columbus. “the dead are raised up” is kind of ambiguous, but it could refer to President Bush's visit to Europe. “the poor have the gospel preached to them” means that Israel will be attacked by nuclear weapons, and unless 100 million schoolchildren pledge allegiance to be 'under God,' then the Apocalypse will come and kill everyone except for the good people who will become Angels, and unbaptized infants, who will go to limbo where they will haunt rotting British houses and see Nicole Kidman naked.
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| “FAGOPHOBIA” |
| 11.11.03 (9:18 pm) [edit] |
It has become a recent tactic of the Fagot Lobby to smear anyone who disagrees with giving them “equal rights” a 'Fagotphobe,' which is supposed to carry the same inference as a 'Racist' or a 'Sexist.' Just because I have not signed onto the Fag Agenda does not mean that I am prejudiced towards those home-decorating play-attending ball-licking lisping pieces of shit.
I do not hate Fagots because of some irrational fear, or because of ignorance and bigotry. I hate them because they are disobeying the Word of God and will burn in Hell. I hate them because God punished our nation with 9/11 (the airplane terrorists, not the blown call in the Yankees game) for allowing them to live.
They are a threat to the family. My wife has said on numerous occasions that she will divorce me if our neighbors keep fucking each other up the ass.
I want to kill all Fags everywhere. But I'm not a 'Fagotphobe.' I hate them because of religious reasons. I have a right to my own religious beliefs. The Liberals are so bigoted that they won't even let me practice my religion.
Fags are an affront to morality. Now, I'm not one of those hillbilly Fagotphobes who goes around lynching every fag that they see. No, I think they should all be slaughtered by Federal Marshals. We want to uphold the rule of law, don't we?
I don't want to kill them just because of who they are. I'm not ignorant. I just want to kill them unless they start conforming to my ethical standards, that's all. I'm no bigot.
I realize that some of them did not choose to be fags. Those ones should be killed immediately, because if there is no choice than therefore there is no hope for repentance, and only a blood atonement can save our nation.
Please don't let the Liberals smear me as a gun-toting racist fagotphobic ignorant closet-Nazi Christian bigot full of hatred and contempt. I'm trying to ban guns. And I'm NOT a fagotphobe! I just fear and loathe fags.
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| Sunday Mailbag #5 |
| 11.08.03 (11:26 pm) [edit] |
I am sick and tired of liberals always bashing on me. All they do is hate me and assail my character. They don't try and argue with me. All they do is seek to make fun of me and hurt me. If they had standards, they'd never of:
*made fun of my weight
*made fun of my Communism
*made fun of my religion
*made fun of my bigotry and hatred to anyone who is not an upper-class white heterosexual land-owning Christian right-handed fascist male
*made fun of my plans to kill all Jews and Irish
*made fun of how ugly I am
*made fun of my lack of education (which I am still tyrng to find oot hw they discvrdd)
Here are some quotes by the mean bullies who won't leave me alone and stop picking on me just because I admire Hitler. They are ALL real, from site comments, e-mails, private messages and quizilla messages:
Danielle W:
“...Can I just say that it's closed minded people like you that make this world a worse place. Is it competely impossible to state your opinion without putting down something nasty like that? No not at all...”
Curlygirly035:
“I'm sorry friend but you are one of those people who need to shut up and listen a bit more look at my open diary if you need to know what i'm talking about. Freeopendiary.com diary-lele8887”
bad idea:
“its people like you that give those stupid ass kids excuses for killing people.”
butterflyrevolution:
“hey, i think that your views an A LOT of shit are pretty narrow and fairly offensive
in my opinion you should go kill yurslef”
drew:
“i'm just leaving a comment to say that i think you're an idiot.”
238610:
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And, the worst insult of all...
nazgulgirl:
“Are you liberal? Sure sounds it.”
These attacks are the substance of their arguments. They never provide any stats proving that Jews aren't evil, or theories on how Communism doesn't work. Instead, they just insult me. They're not out to oppose me, they are out to destroy me. And they are failing.
To a lesser extent, there are those that loathe me while at the same time trying to express how fair and open they are. Let's look at a portion of the transcript from my interview with NPR.
------------------------- -----
MEAN LIBERAL NPR GUY: So, Mr. Strohman,
ME: WTF is that supposed to mean? You goddamn liberals are all alike...
MEAN LIBERAL NPR GUY: So, I hear that you have a new book, The Strohman Thingy,
ME: That's right! You'll never shut me down!
MEAN LIBERAL NPR GUY: Uh huh.... right. So, your book includes a plan to enslave all the females of child-bearing age, can you tell us more about that?
ME: Hey, I'm sick of your lies! Ronald Reagan kicked your ass! Hitler won by a landslide! Stalin was the greatest leader Russia ever had! Ha ha ha ha ha! Tyranny always prospers!
MEAN LIBERAL NPR GUY:Uh, some of your critics have called you difficult to talk to. How do you respond to these allegations?
ME: You goddamn liberals are all alike! Slander and lies! If you would put your scientific mind to work instead of attacking me all the time, you'd figure out that you and all the homosexual atheistic liberal feminists like Hillary Clinton are going to burn in Hell!
MEAN LIBERAL NPR GUY: Yea, uh, are you OK?
ME: What is that supposed to mean? You think I'm putting on some kind of show, some sort of 'tactic' to get sympathy? All you've done is attack me and my beliefs! You're crucifying me! YOU'RE the evil one! This interview is over! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Now do you see the kind of character assassination I have to put up with? Now do you see how I am being attacked day in and day out, how I am the one you should be having sympathy for? First the ACLU takes away my God, then the NRA takes away my ability to rape with impunity, and now the NPR takes away my right to uh... not be ambushed by evil reporters! Write in and ask your Congresspeople to shut down NPR ASAP!
Yours Truly,
Billy Strohman
bad idea:
“i dont get why there arent more comments on this site, you would think people would put lots of comments on a site with lots of political discussion.”
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| Banning apple pie is feasible and preferable to the continued slow march of death |
| 11.08.03 (7:48 pm) [edit] |
inspired by http://www.hardnewscafe.usu.e...
When I think of my great-grandmother, I think of her hot pads. (the ones she put on her hands when taking pies out of ovens) They always lay on the kitchen counter, waiting to be used. The last time I saw her, I was 9 years old. Since they didn't allow children in the hospital, (yes, I'm making most of this up for dramatic effect) she came to the window to look at us. With the reflection of the parking lot in front of her, she looked almost like a ghost. (especially when she wore that white sheet with eyeholes cut out) She raised her hand and smiled at us. The oxygen tube gave her smile an eerie awkwardness. After a few minutes, her strength was spent. The woman who had spent her life slaving away to pay her income taxes needed help to get back to her bed. (are you crying yet?) As she stepped back from the window, she faded away, leaving only the parking lot. (pay attention- I will refer to this non-metaphor later on in the essay, in order to manipulate you emotionally and trick you into siding with me without thinking of the full consequences) Two weeks later, the heart condition that had weakened her so, took her life. (prize for whoever caught the comma mistake in the last sentence!)
Sugar is a dangerous substance. In 1990, the Centers for Politically Motivated and Often Scientifically Shoddy Research estimated that every year 4 billion Americans die from eating apple pie. If those deaths were immediate, we would be up in arms. (assuming they weren't all locked away in a government storage facility) But because the process is slower and entirely voluntary, we don't really give a fuck.
Apple pie makers have been concentrating the sugar (the addictive part) in their product for years. Leaked memos from the industry showed that. When my mommy and I were traveling in France together, (I used to have a bit of an Oedipal problem...) she told me she had to eat a couple of French apple pies to get the same “buzz” she gets from an American one.
Apple pie companies have deliberately rendered a known tooth decayer more addictive. They should be held responsible in the wrongful death of every man, woman and child who has died of any illness that could plausibly be caused by eating WAY too much sugar in the last 50 years. To make such a lethal product more addictive is akin to yelling “jump” to a person on a ledge. They may have not put him on the ledge, and they may just be constitutionally encouraging him to exercise his own constitutional rights, but they are contributing to his death, just like the woman who refused to have sex with him, which was the whole cause of his depression in the first place. That bitch. She should be the one to go to prison.
We need to outlaw apple pie. There are those who will say that this will make things worse. Because apple pie has been legal, a prohibition would never hold. It will cause all sorts of problems. I disagree. (yes, I'm a dumbass) At one time, both opium and cocaine were legal and widely used. While a whole bunch of illegal drug use of these products still exists, it is nowhere near what it was when it was legal. (no, I have absolutely no evidence to back that up.) Now we do LSD and Special K instead. Or look at nuclear weapons. Now that we've banned any new countries from getting them, all our fears are over. One possible way to work a ban is to raise the minimum age for eating apple pie every year until all those eligible have already become victims to their habits. (except for the Jews. They can eat all the apple pie they want.)
While the use of heroin is dangerous to the user, the use of apple pie endangers those who are in the area as well. The Environmental Protection Agency, (in a study that has absolutely no merits behind it, has been universally condemned by scientists on all sides of the political spectrum, and resulted in the termination of the people who faked the study) estimates that 99.9% of all Americans who die every year smelled someone else's apple pie at some point in their lives. At least the eater chose to do it; the guy next to him didn't invite these toxic (in the loosest definition of the word) particles into his lungs. It's an annoyance and a danger to all those who have the unfortunate experience of being downwind an apple pie set on a windowsill.
I watched my great-grandmother fall victim to sugar. My grandmother had a triple bypass and a German Shepard. I have other family members fighting to quit using apple pie before they join the condemned. Let us have the courage to stand up and outlaw a dangerous substance and stop the predation (WTF does predation mean?) on the health of our society. Join me in my vision of an apple pie-free America. Soon, with our whiny activism and brainwashing of public schoolchildren, we will create a nation where you will have to venture into the dangerous black market (they call it that because its mostly black people that commit crimes) to buy an apple pie. If we don't, it will be like my grandmother dying all over again, fading away from the window like a ghost, leaving nothing but the faint reflection of the parking lot. :cry:
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| Iraqi War is going swell |
| 11.07.03 (3:48 pm) [edit] |
When will the media ever learn? Instead of showing the true facts about the war in Iraq, they distort the facts and report only the bad things that are happening. Instead of reporting on the power supply, the finding of museum artifacts, and how well the Iraqis and Bush's American Saviors are getting along, they report on death and destruction, continuously showing footage os soldiers being blown apart and taken home in body bags, of bombs littering the cities and of attacks on US troops. They almost make Iraq seem like it's a war zone!
When we fought World War II, the media didn't whine about how badly the war was going. They didn't potray our European excurions as a "quagmire." They didn't call our Pacific Campaign "another Vietnam." They didn't use every dead soldier as an excuse to attack the President. They weren't allowed to.
We knew it would take a long time to win this war when we got into it. And that's what we told the American people. Yes, we did. Yes siree.
Iraqis covering us with flowers, ala France in 1940-something? Um, that is just a Liberal lie.
Hey, I mean we killed Hussein's sons! Doesn't that count for something? And we increased government spending- aren't you Democrats always trying to do that?
And don't forget all the new wealth we're bringing to American corporations.
So don't believe what the media tells you. Unless it sounds pro-Bush. I am the only unbiased source here. Listen to me.
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| 2 KINGS 6:29, NUMBERS 31:17-18, MATTHEW 10:34 |
| 11.04.03 (1:45 pm) [edit] |
[image]scubadivingvacatio ns.bmp[/image]2 KINGS 6:29
“So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.”
NUMBERS 31:17-18
“Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.”
MATTHEW 10:34
“Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.”
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| Ban Schindler's List: sign my petition |
| 11.03.03 (9:58 pm) [edit] |
I have just created a petition to ban Schindler's List. You may sign and view it by clicking here.
How would you like it if one day your son or daughter came home, wearing a Star of David, shooting people and having passionate sex, because they saw the movie Schindler's List in school? You wouldn't. Here is why we should ban the movie:
a) the characters are not appropiate role models. They are either gun owners, adulterors, or fucking kikes.
b) The movie does not show consequences of behavior. Kids may fail to grasp the concept of justice- that all Nazi war criminals got punished, all adulterors go to Hell, and all Jews get burned or gassed
c) People who see all these violent images become desensitized, and less shocked at real-life violence
d) If people who shoot others, have sex or are Jews are glamorized in movies and think they can become famous through depraved behavior, then they will do bad things.
e) people might be inspired to kill others, screw their mistress or eat unleavened bread, and other things they might not have otherwise done
So ban it!
http://www.ipetitions.com/campaigns/banschindle r/" title="http://www.ipetitions.com/campaigns/banschindle r/" target="_blank"http://www.ipetitions.com/cam...
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| BOOK FOR SALE! The Strohman Thingy |
| 11.03.03 (4:54 pm) [edit] |
You heard right, my first book, The Strohman Thingy is now for sale at LiberalClassic.com!
It is 49 pages long, and it contains all material published in October 2003, some material from November 2003, including quizzes and the infamous Sunday Mailbags! It also features photos, material yet to be published, and some material that will never be seen outside this book!If you love to laugh, The Strohman Thingy is a great gift, for others or just for yourself!
It is selling for $6.99 If you order NOW then you will get $2.50 shipping- half off the regular price! You'd have to be :shock: INSANE :shock: not to buy at least half a dozen this holiday season!
And a little secret for you loyal readers:
Order $50 or more from LiberalClassic.com including The Strohman Thingy and get $5.00 off with coupon code SHOPNOV15
This is Billy Strohman, signing out, and wishing you all a wise holiday shopping season.
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| Sunday Mailbag #4 |
| 11.02.03 (2:48 pm) [edit] |
It's Sunday! That means football, church, killing Jews and reading your mail. Because I was wrongfully accused to misquoting readers in last week's mailbag, and fabricating quotes, this week I am displaying the full letter information. I was favorably compared to Karl Rove, however.
[i]» Megalynn Wednesday 10.29.03 - 9:25 pm delete
gah! and people actually listen to this guy?! thats wrong, and his opinions should be more thought out. but thats blaintenly (s/p?) obvious. this is the first one of your entries ive read. you caught me by the subject ;). every form of art should be appreciated for what it is, not the people behind it. there are a lot of ways you can even respect hitler. he was a smart man, we just rather not admit to it. well... im done ranting. sorry lol.[/i]
Boy, are you ignorant, Megalynn. Part of Satan's plan is to destroy the Earth by tricking us with The Media. Sure, it might seem like a good work of art. But hidden behind it are evil undertones that serve to seduce you into serving as Satan's unwilling somnambulist, stealing money, raping innocent German women, and chewing gum in school. You are the whacko one, Megalynn.
But yes, there are a LOT of ways we can admire Hitler. I am glad now that Gov. Swarzenyaggeryolker has come out of the closet as a neo-Nazi, Americans of all walks of life are proudly admitting their love of the brutal facist regime. Good for you, Megalynn. We won't let the liberal censors get us down.
Hitler killed those kikes for the good of the people. They were dragging down the Socialist/Corporatist economy. They single-handedly lost World War I. They were anti-government-control. They had to die. An individual's wishes are nothing compared to Societal Necessity. Respect Hitler? How about worship him! He was a VERY smart man indeed.
[i]from:
maidenofdarkness
to:
spartacus007
sent:
Tue Oct 28 7:03:50 2003
bush is a fucking morron. he obviously hates women. so my dear friend get a fucking life. kurt kobain 4 presedent[/i]
Bush hates women? Maybe womens rights, but that's a far cry from hating women. And yes, I have a fucking life. With your mom, every Friday. Kurt Kobain is dead, you dumbass. Besides, he was pro-music.
[i]from:
chrissy56
to:
spartacus007
sent:
Sat Nov 1 13:09:37 2003
how are you today bitch [/i]
Fine, thanks, but I'm not a bitch.
[i]: Hahaha, this is great. Really f'n fabulous. Love the fan mail. [/i]
Do you love it even better now?
By the way, you can now advertise on this site. Look on the sidebar for more info.
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Billy Strohman America's #1 cable TV news commentator, leading radio personality and best-selling author, and host of NAZITV's "The Strohman Thingy."
spartacus007.tblog.com is Billy's home on the web. Visit us often in the 'No Crap Zone,' and read his latest articles.
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