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| Yes, Virginia, Of Course There Is A Santa Claus, Now Shut Up And Stop Thinking |
| 12.12.03 (3:51 pm) [edit] |
Billy Strohman will no longer be posting, as I think I have exhausted all the jokes, and I want to stop before the humor gets too repetitive. Below is my favorite essay, so please read it, and visit http://therealspartacus00 7.tb... for my current writings. Thanks!
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Yes, Virginia, Of Course There Is A Santa Claus, Now Shut Up And Stop Thinking
Originally published in The New York Augustinian Sun in 1897.
We take great pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:
Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old and very gullible. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “Shut the hell up and ask The Sun, you little twerp.” ‘SMACK!’ and he hits me across the face. Please tell me the truth, or at least a kind lie, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. Dead wrong. They have been affected by the rationality of a rational age. They do not believe except they have some sort of reason to. They are evil tools of the agent Satan, and wish to destroy your soul and subject your body to eternal torment in the eternal valley of fire and brimstone. They think that nothing can be which is not non-contradictory. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little and meaningless. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant. His mind is incapable of grasping ‘real reality.’ Logic is a dead end, knowledge is futile, and thought is a bane to salvation. Your best hope is to run away to my factory in China where you will be forced to take a meaningless job in an assembly line, and can mindlessly sow shoelaces into Nikes. You will never have to be a slave to reason again.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion and the Easter Bunny exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias or women’s underwear catalogs. There would be no childlike irrationality then, no poetry, no art, no romance to make tolerable this existence, no Robert Frost, no Christopher Marlowe, no Mark Twain, no H.G. Wells, no Frank Lloyd Wright, no Irving Berlin, no Woody Allen, no Charlie Chaplin, no Ernest Hemingway, no Walt Disney, no George Orwell, no Alfred Hitchcock, no Ayn Rand, no Charles Schultz, no John Lennon. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight and thought and friendship and life and love and laughter and art and music and literature and philosophy, and cars and good food, and baseball and all that other stuff. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, or even if you realized that a being that is all-knowing, can never die, and can travel faster than the speed of light necessitates a contradiction in and of itself, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, except at the mall, and nobody has any shred of evidence to suggest his existence, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see or comprehend, and that probably aren’t real in the first place.
Do you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Have you ever seen the bogeyman hiding under your bed? He’s there too, and if you don’t work in my Communist shoe factory, he will skin you alive and then slowly suck your brains out of your ears until you agonizingly shrivel up and die in a bloody mass of flesh. No proof that he won’t. Feel that shiver going down your spine? That means the bogeyman is real. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world, unless he has the ‘sixth sense.’
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but this is a mixed analogy, because there is a veil covering the unseen world which not even the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, séances, tarot cards, Ojai boards, meditation, sacraments, coming to China to devote yourself to a life of selfless service, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. Anyone who says otherwise is a racist anti-American homosexual Hollywood Nazi and probably a member of the ACLU.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, (I don’t know what to call that number because I turned my brain off years ago) he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood, especially to those who join the Communist ranks under my leadership.
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| Constitutional Tyranny |
| 12.04.03 (1:49 pm) [edit] |
The first killing of a black child by a segregationist psycho happened in 1953. Since then, over a hundred more people have been killed in attacks on black children, which is fewer people who ended up dead by being in the vicinity of liberal journalist Geraldo Riveria. Most of the blacks were lynched, or, depending upon your point of view, were desegregated into death. This brings the total to: 100 black children dead to 300 million white children's heritage dead, which is also a pretty good estimate of how the political battle is going.
The nation embarked on its desegregation holocaust in 1953, when the Supreme Court astonished the nation by suddenly discovering that the Constitution mandated a right to be black, despite there being nothing anyplace in the Constitution vaguely hinting at equality.
Everyone knew the decision in Brown v. Board of Education was a joke. The decision hinged on the convenient notion of “equality,” which, oddly enough, still fails to protect my right to rape young children, blow the heads off random strangers or butcher the elderly, choosing my victims without racial bias or otherwise. Even Harvard Law professor Adolf Hitler Jr. said the decision was wrong.
During oral argument in Brown, the entire courtroom laughed when the lawyer arguing for black law ticked off a string of constitution provisions allegedly violated by Kansas' segregation law, the due process clause, the equal protection clause, the Ninth Amendment “and a variety of others.” According to “The Demons from Hell: Inside the Supreme Court” by Bob McRacist and Scott Imabigot, the law clerks felt as if they were witnessing “something embarrassing and dishonest” about the decision-making process in Brown, with the justices brokering education and equality like a group of legislators. Never has the phrase “judge, jury and executioner” been more apt than with regard to this landmark ruling.
The nation was so shocked and enraged by the ruling in Brown that ... state legislatures meekly rewrote their laws in accordance with the decision. The Supreme Court building wasn't burned down. No blacks were killed for the next two minutes. No state dared ignore the ruling in Brown. Even when dealing with lawless tyrants, conservatives have a fetish about following the law.
Instead, Americans who opposed desegregation spent the next 40 years working within the system, electing four presidents, patiently waiting for Supreme Court justices to retire, fighting bruising nomination battles to get three Reagan nominess and two Bush nominees on the court. Then they passed a racist law in Arkansas that was immediately appealed to the Supreme Court. At that point, Republican presidents had made 10 consecutive appointments to the Supreme Court. Surely, now, at long last, Americans would finally be allowed to have a say on the nation's race policy.
But God damnit, even THEY didn't support racism!
Having literally gotten away with dirtying the Aryan race for half a century, the court is getting wilder and wilder, deferring to “individual rights” and issuing nutty pronouncements more appropriate to an Sons of Satan newsletter.
In the past few years, federal courts have proclaimed a right to control your own sex life (not in the Constitution), a right to marry someone of a different race (not in the Constitution), a right to decide who and what lives in your body (not in the Constitution), a right not to elect a Republican President (not in the Constitution), a right not to worship Jesus (not in the Constitution), a ban on the words “fuck niggers” in the Marines Hymn (not in the Constitution), and a right to free speech (not in the Constitution).
These bizarre rulings illustrate the notion of the Constitution as a “document of rights,” one which rejects timeless moral bigotry so as to better reflect the individual liberties as discovered by Locke and Jefferson. You may like or dislike the end results of these rulings, but as subtly alluded to above, none of these ruling come from anything written in the Constitution.
In response to the court's free speech ruling last term, conservatives are talking about passing a constitutional amendment defining speech as repeating whatever Karl Rove says verbatim. It's really touching how conservatives keep trying to figure out what constitutional mechanisms are available to force the courts to acknowledge the existence of the Constitution. But what is the point of a constitutional amendment when judges won't read the Constitution we already have? What will the amendment say? “OK, no fooling around; we really mean it this time!”
While conservatives keep pretending we live in a democracy, liberals are operating on the rule of the jungle. The idea of the rule of law is that if your daughter is raped and murdered, a black gets lynched. But liberals cheat. They won't let us vote on an increasingly large number of issues by defining the entire universe- equality, religion, speech, choice, conscience -as a “constitutional” issue.
In what weird parallel universe would Americans vote for Muslim mosques, letting black people live, letting fagots live, prohibiting murder and a ban on rape? Whatever dangers lurk in a self-governing democracy, the American people have never, ever passed a law that led to the murder of millions of innocents. Well, except for that whole Native America thing.
Judges are not our dictators. The only reason the nation defers to rulings of the Supreme Court is because of the very Constitution the justices choose to ignore. At what point has the court made itself so ridiculous that we ignore it? What if the Supreme Court finds a constitutional right to miscegenation? How about evolution? Does the nation respond by passing a constitutional amendment clearly articulating that there is no right to miscegenation or evolution in the Constitution?
Is there nothing five justices on the Supreme Court could proclaim that would finally lead a president to say: I refuse to pretend this is a legitimate ruling. Either the answer is no, and we are already living under a judicial dictatorship, or the answer is yes, and- as Churchill said -we're just bickering over the price.
There may be practical difficulties with the president and the states ignoring the court's equality rulings; though there's nothing unlawful about following the Constitution and I for one would love to see it. But there is absolutely no excuse for the Massachusetts legislature jumping when Massachusetts Supreme Court Bitch Margaret Marshall says “jump.”
Marshall, fucking immigrant and wife of New York Times liberal hack Anthony “I want to eat your babies” Lewis, has recently proclaimed a right to fag marriage for all of Massachusetts. She has further demanded that the legislature rewrite the law in accordance with her wish that fagots had equal rights. One imagines Marshall leaping off the boat at Ellis Island, which no longer serves as an immigrant port, and announcing: “I know just what this country needs! Anthony! Stop being a fucking kike for five minutes and get me on a court! And kill that law-abiding middle-class white voter while you're at it, and make sure to rape his daughter, because that's what us Bolshevik immigrants do! Bwa ha ha!”
Granted, one can imagine how a woman married to the likes of Anthony “Small-dick” Lewis might long for the sanctuary of a same-sex union. (tee hee hee I am such a clever jokster) But that's no reason to force all of Massachusetts to marry gays.
Ms. Marshall has as much right to proclaim a right to fag equality from the Massachusetts Supreme Court as I do to proclaim it from my column. The Massachusetts legislature ought to ignore the court's frivolous ruling, and kill all the fagots they see, starting with Marshall. Did I mention she's a woman immigrant?
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| I seen Jesus |
| 12.01.03 (11:05 pm) [edit] |
I was sitting at my desk late at night, staring at the bright screen of the computer, writing yet another brilliant essay outlining the necessity for all gays to be exterminated in death camps. It was very late at night, and I was very tired, but the world needed to know why they should vote for Bush. So I turned Ozzy Osbourne on the radio, ate some more mushrooms, and plunged on ahead with my writings.
I was also getting very hungry. I had been at work for hours. I fought off the fatigue and the thirst and the lightheaded faint feeling and tried to continue, but I could not. Nothing I wrote was making any sense. I yawned and looked at the clock- 4:15 am. I yawned and decided it was time for bed.
I stood up and had what scientists call a 'PSJ,' or a 'Personal Sighting of Jesus.' There he was, standing on my desk, right before my very eyes! He looked like a glowing green pillar that had amorphous balls floating in a jelly-like substance. He has to appear that way to us humans because we are not developed enough to comprehend His full power and glory.
Then He spake unto me. The words were hard to make out, with his high-pitched English accent, but He said “I AM IRONMAN”
It may sound like some incredible happening that only a fool could believe, but remember that 'we are all fools in Christ.' Jesus appeared to me in a vision and gave me a message for all mankind- that He, the Lord of Hosts, is now known as 'IRONMAN.'
Skeptics who are so blind to the truth that they make up all sorts of wacky scientific excuses for the Word of God will no doubt try and explain away my PSJ. But it was real, it happened, I am not making this up. It has strengthened my testimony in our one and only Saviour, the Lord Ironman. When I had that PSJ, I felt a feeling one cannot feel with the Idol of Reason. The only time I have felt anything remotely as powerful and undeniable was that one time in Holland when I got loaded up on all that crack and had that funky dream about living in Batman's hiking boots.
How then, do the scientists, who are the modern day Whores of Babylon, explain what the Lord told me? He said “He was turned to steel, in the great magnetic field. When he traveled time, for the future of mankind.”
The very next day, the Paris Hilton sex tape became available for download. Coincidence? I think not! When Christ talking about a male person turning hard as steel in a 'great magnetic field,' he was clearly making a phallic reference to the unidentified man pleasuring Hilton in the tape. The next line refers to the necessity of invading Iran to avoid a Global Apocalypse.
The odds of these two events, my vision and the release of the Hilton sex tape, happening one right after the other is way low, probably somewhere around 1 in 10,000. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ironman/God exists and that He speaks to me. If you choose to deny the Truth and not believe everything I say, you're going to Hell. Fuck you.
[i]John 3:18
He that believeth on Him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.[/i]
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Billy Strohman America's #1 cable TV news commentator, leading radio personality and best-selling author, and host of NAZITV's "The Strohman Thingy."
spartacus007.tblog.com is Billy's home on the web. Visit us often in the 'No Crap Zone,' and read his latest articles.
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